天地良心,我对你们每个人都是真心的!
头像是桑切斯家的狗狗(。

神说,要有玛丽苏

身为一个生活在当代社会的不折不扣的玛丽苏,窝一度活得十分痛苦。在ljj搜罗SB的原创女主文,10篇里面有9.9篇要提到尖叫棚屋,要让女主义正严辞地痛斥他不够成熟,要让女主帮助SB成长。
一次两次还能忍,三次四次就已经要受不了了,五六七八次下来我已经变成一堆韦斯莱嗖嗖-嘭烟火,点了引线就能窜上天那种。
诚然ljj有uu三部曲这一我心目中的白月光,然而总啃一篇文也不是个事儿。


于是,在hp圈摸爬滚打十几年后,窝终于借着学英语的东风,扒拉出了几篇传说中的同人神作,决定做一个和平的人,拒绝打架,远离雷文。



(虽然并无卵用依旧撕逼)



就在这个时候,Commentarius拯救了我。
虽然这篇并不是SB的玛丽苏文学(yjgj他这个人其实也玛丽苏不起来,除非作者是robin女神),但是JPLE效果也是大差不离的。
不过JPLE算不上标准的玛丽苏,毕竟LE是真实的亲世代女神,而HP爹妈之间故事的戏剧性也远远不是一句玛丽苏能概括的。
我跟基友@七月夏天 说,Commentarius简直是一部标准的教你写好三俗梗的教科书。也只有JPLE的人设能撑得住这样的故事,外加作者相当有才华,硬生生把已经看得审美疲劳的梗写得活色生香。


Commentarius其实是个坑,fanfiction上更到32章,照作者的划分,坑的时候是第25章。然而它长达739k+words,我之前给女神安利这文她问我“这么长还是坑?你居然还跳了?”
……呃,我跳了。而且实际上这样的原著向JPLE文不能算坑,毕竟结局大家都懂的……


总的来说,我觉得这篇文的精华应该到第17章为止。18章也不错,但是我个人感觉作者已经有那么一点儿没灵感的趋势了。
前17章的情节,应该说是环环相扣相辅相成的,不管是JP、LE还是SB和RL,都十分可爱。诚然作者本命毫无疑问是JP……而且她把JP写成了完美言情男主……但是那毕竟是JP,就没什么问题,如果换成SB就会很违和……

(说到这想起我发现的一个规律,亲世代的文提到活点地图,每个作者都会写自己的本命是负责让地图显示出名字以及让点子动起来的那个人。百发百中。)


Commentarius是第一人称,日记体,临摹《公主日记》风格,主视角显然是LE,从Marauders的七年级着笔。这文写于HBP之前,所以没有SSLE这条线(本SSLE清真黑大力赞成x

七年级开学的时候LE不光讨厌JP,而且她以为JP也讨厌她,过去邀请她出去玩只不过是为了嘲讽她(也是老套言情梗了)。但是后面发生了一系列事情,包括经典的女主死对头梗、导师梗、朋友误解梗、倾诉梗、雨中奔跑梗、扭脚被抱梗、三角修罗场梗,balabala,由此大家可以看出,世界人民喜闻乐见的都是那些梗……

而且JPLE真的适合任意言情梗。

总之他俩感情就在这过程中慢慢升温,一直到作者声称要有大突破的第14章,标题是October 9th:The Consequences of Quiddich and Alcohol。我当时看到这标题就一个鱼跃而起,果然没让我失望啊哈哈。 

还是很俗套的梗,JP魁地奇比赛获胜之后喝醉,把LE给强吻了,结果自己不记得了(其实他记得但他装不记得orz,又是经典套路)。然后LE内心不停纠结,因为她发现她其实是喜欢上JP了,但是她那时候一直在喜欢塞德里克他爹Amos Diggory(一个炮灰),很抗拒这种改变。

最关键的是这妹子到那时候才后知后觉JP一直对她有意思,她本来得知JP喜欢过她,但是以为他早已不喜欢她了(又又是经典俗套梗)。

总之内心纠结balabala,她觉得自己内心真爱一定是Amos(我本来想写简称,然后我发现他简称是AD……),但是显然并不是,这时候一个重要人物隆重出场了!!!


——Sirius·我老公·Orion·世界第一可爱英俊帅气潇洒美少年·Black!!!!!


其实我怀疑这作者内心暗搓搓萌SBJP(绝不是JPSB!),因为整篇文里面LE需要正经对付的情敌只有SB一个……


LE在Amos和JP中间纠结的时候无疑对JP伤害巨大,这时候SB看不下去了。导火索是LE和JP被发现从某盥洗室一起走出来(原因姑且略过),LE担心Amos发现这件事,于是想去找那个撞见他俩的妹儿谈谈人生。她要找这妹儿是要通过RL找,那时候RL正在和SB一起玩耍(x,于是SB就猜出来她的想法了。SB那时候以为LE对JP没意思,于是理所当然有点生气,我很喜欢这里作者对他的描写。

I was about to dash out of there (despite the fact that, even though I knew I had no choice, I really did not want to go talk Carrie) when suddenly, just after I'd gotten up to leave, Sirius the Big Fat Prat had to stop me when he was all, "Hey, Evans...does James know you're going to talk to Carrie about your sexscapades?

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

"They weren't sexscapades," I muttered immediately, but even that sounded weak and stupid to my own ears and I knew that Sirius sensed it, as well. His eyebrows flew up.

"No?" He seemed to ponder this. His face darkened. "Interesting."

"Shut up."

"Why?"

"Just shut up."

"Have I touched a soft spot there, Evans?" he asked, but now he had a sort of sneer in his voice and he was looking at me with open hostility. "I see how it is," he said.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Black," I snapped back, and I didn't know why he was so cross all of a sudden or why I was so cross all of a sudden, only that we had somehow gotten on the topic of James and I wasn't very comfortable with that topic as of late and things had suddenly tumbled downhill.

Damn it.

"Leave her alone, Sirius," Remus muttered, looking between the two of us with a strange sort of look. I can't be certain, but he seemed to be a bit brassed off, as well. I wasn't sure at who, though. "Leave it alone."

"Fuck you," Sirius bit off, but I didn't know who it was directed at, Remus or me, and as he buried his face back in his magazine, it didn't look like Sirius was about to tell us.

And so I walked off, wondering just what in the hell had happened.


这时候SB虽然有点发火,但是还没打算干预JP的感情问题。他只是觉得LE把JP当备胎,替JP不平。我觉得这样写很好,很多作者热衷于把男女主的朋友写成马大姐ooorrrzzz

而之后SB虽然还是掺和了JPLE的感情,但是作者给了他很多铺垫,并不显得SB是多管闲事的人。最终SB找到机会和LE聊到JP过去一年的经历以及他转变的原因,顺便说一句我从这里就看出作者内心绝壁是SBJP,因为:

"I remember that, as well, actually," he said, though he clearly did not harbor the same negative connotations that I did the long-ago afternoon. "That was my James," he told me proudly, as if recalling his prize pet. "How he used to be. That kid didn't have a care in the world, except when it came to his mates and his family. And you, occasionally," he added flatly. I blushed, feeling myself turn red. Sirius ignored that, sighing wistfully at the memory. Even through my embarrassment, though, I couldn't help getting a bit peeved. I didn't enjoy remembering James like that. That might have been Sirius's James, but my James didn't torture people for the fun of it. Not anymore. "Not like that now," Sirius sighed, shaking his head. He looked up at me then. "But that's beside the point. That's a good place to start. That was James before the summer before sixth year. Before...everything."


"That was my James."

"That was my James."

"That was my James."



呵呵呵呵呵呵呵呵呵呵哦呵呵呵。 

而且这章这作者隔了一年才更,我严肃怀疑这一年她跑去混SBJP了,因为他妈的后面的章节LE简直就突然多了个情敌ooooorrrrzzzzzz



不管不论以及无论如何,总之听完SB的话,LE决定放过JP,重新和Amos相亲相爱(围笑)。

然而那怎么可能呢,于是最后的最后也就是17章,JP终于找到机会和LE共处一室相互交(jie)流(wen),给大家看看HP他爹有多牛逼:

I just blurted it out.

"I don't want to go with Amos tomorrow!"

Oh, bugger. 

That's not quite how it was supposed to come out.

Oops.

James looked stunned. He seemed to choke on his own spit. "You what?" he sputtered.

I was hasty to re-explain.

"That's not what I meant!" I explained quickly, trying to ignore the expression on James's face—he was still looking a bit like I had suddenly sprouted four more lovely heads. "That is, when I said that I don't want to go with Amos tomorrow...er...I didn't mean—well, actually, that's sort of exactly what I meant, but—ahh!"

I squealed, the air rushing straight out of my body as James quickly snatched me up in his arms, grabbing hold of me around the waist and lifting me clear off the floor. He laughed joyfully, dropping kisses on whichever part of my body he could find at that particular moment, covering my face and neck and shoulders with his mouth, entirely too enthusiastic than any one person really ought to be. I tried to speak, tried to explain, but James kept cutting me off, efficiently stopping my words with his frantic kisses.

Why didn't you"—kiss—"tell me before"—another—"you little tease! I wouldn't have"—a longer one this time—"yelled at you"—kiss—"nearly as much. I—"

"Hey—hey!" I somehow managed to pry his mouth away from mine, putting both hands on either cheek and forcefully keeping his face away. Ignoring the slight dizziness—that mouth of his should be bloody illegal—I scowled at him. "Don't you listen? I said no jumping to conclusions! It's not what you think!"

"How can it not be what I think?" James demanded, turning his head slightly so he could place another kiss on my palm. "Do you or don't you want to go out with the arse tomorrow?"

I glared. "I don't, but—"

That apparently was all James needed to hear. Completely ignoring me, my glares, and my every attempt to explain the truth, he— hands-on-cheeks be damned — leaned right over and started snogging me again.

Oh, for Merlin's sake, where is his self-control?!

I wanted to explain. Really, all I wanted to do was make him understand that this wasn't some sort of anti-Amos admission, just an explanation of my feelings that he was supposed to respect. I just needed him to listen for a moment. But there didn't seem to be much of that being done when his tongue was stuck partially down my throat.

The downsides to snogging.

Merlin.

Stupid, randy idiot.


老夫记得看到这章那晚老夫少女心炸裂,在沙发上翻滚至半夜才徐徐倒下(x



这章的结尾也很好,总之,我觉得到这一章为止,就是整篇文的精华了。


如果这文坑在这里,我个人觉得它是没有什么明显缺点的。诚然情节很老套,但那又有什么关系,写得好才是正经。

但是后面有些情节就不是了。




最主要的就是人物性格问题。

这篇文作者本命显然是JP和LE,其次百分百是SB。

其实这篇文里的SB我没有太大意见……虽然他有点插手基友的感情问题吧,但是好歹都有前情提要,而且最后最根本的问题也不是他引发的……而且虽然作者写他不太能接受成长后的JP,我个人是觉得他不是这种人,但是如果他是这样倒也不算很奇怪……

RAB出场少,是当作反派出现的……我完全能接受!!!大型可爱!!!(三观是什么)


但作者写的有些方面还是让我觉得略emmmmm了。

首先是RL。

其实这文18章以前的RL特别可爱,他没出场过几次,但是偶尔提及都挺亮的。

比如:

"Never mind," I muttered, shaking my head. "So you really have detention today?"

"One o'clock," James answered with a nod. "Peter and Sirius as well. Remus got away, the sneaky little bastard. But wait a second, what was with the bridge? Was that the wrong answer? What did I miss? Lily? Marley? Is anyone going to tell me?"


再比如(这段是LE和Amos出去约会JP派RL和PP跟踪她):

"I can't believe him," I murmured, trying to squish the little bursts of feeling fireworking in my stomach and, what's more, the image of James-Inside-My-Head smirking sheepishly. "I truly can't believe him. Spying on me! Actually spying!"

"Well, it's not really spying," Peter tried to insist, though I think we both knew that it was a bit too late for that. I shot him a pointed look.

"No?" I asked. "What exactly would you call it, then?"

"Deliberately accidental observation," Remus announced, and I instantly burst out laughing. Remus laughed, as well, giving his shoulders a sheepish shrug. "That's what James called it, anyway. We weren't to spy—we were simply to go about our day, have a lovely time in Hogsmeade, and if, by chance, we happened to spot you from a fair distance, we could—if we so desired—keep that fair distance while casually noting your every action, movement and facial expression."


直到后面他开始掺和JPLESB的三角关系。(对不起我实在舍不得不用这个词儿……)

讲真作者对SB挺好,他和LE的谈话之前有很多铺垫,让他不至于变成一个闲人马大姐(她本命绝逼是JP和SB)。但是RL就没这么好命了。

有一个情节是,他和SB的谈话被LE无意听见,SB离开了,RL扭头就把SB和JP正在争执的问题说给她知道了。我个人认为RL不是这种人,不过话说回来,如果这文是真的,倒是解释了为啥当初SB会怀疑RL叛变……口风太不严实= =


其次是JP。

说到JP的问题,首先让我上一张图。



SB是我本命。

SB是我本命。

SB是我本命。

重复三遍的意思是,我很有可能被粉丝滤镜干扰,如果说得不对请大力抽打我。

接下来开始讲JP。


我知道这文里的JP是言情文完美男主,作者是没打算给他写什么缺点的。即使有缺点,也就是常见的什么保护欲太强啊啥啥的……但是怎么讲,他有时候说出来的话多少让我有点寒心,我总觉得照原著的JP,无论如何也不会说出那样的话。

诚然这文里给JP加了个设定,就是JP的妈妈是Rosier家族的人(Rosier大噶应该都知道),JP五年级的暑假经历过一次家族斗争,因此后面才突然成长,所以他对Rosier家族非常没有好感……

但是当LE告诉他,她当导师指导的Rosier家的一个小男孩MJ并不是坏孩子的时候,他一直明确表示自己不相信,而且原话是这样的:

"You don't understand," is what he finally said, his voice granite hard. His eyes flickered up to me. They were sharp as jagged rocks. "You don't understand that family. You don't understand that kid. His path is already set."

What?

Dear lord, did he hear anything I'd just told him?

"What?" I cried, unable to believe what I was hearing. "James, you can't be serious!"

James shook his head. "How many times can I tell you this, Lily? How many times before you finally get it? That kid is no good. Do you honestly think anyone could grow up in a family like his and come out of it completely unscathed?"

I glared daggers him. "I'm sorry, but isn't that your best friend's exact situation?"

James let out a humourless laugh. "And you don't think Sirius isn't warped as fuck because of it? Trust me; he's got his own problems. No one escapes that sort of thing, Lily. And you don't know the Rosiers."

“His path is already set.”

“That kid is no good.”

“And you don't think Sirius isn't warped as fuck because of it?”

我当时看到这段的第一反应就是:嗯,你这话如果给SB听见他得多伤心啊= =

倒不是不理解JP的反应……但是如果你认为SB不是no good,为什么会认为MJ是no good呢?如果SB不是和你同宿舍的基友,你是不是也会认为他no good?

而且MJ这孩子也是个格兰芬多,甚至SB都说他是自己的soul brother了("Evans gets to tutor my brother.""Not literally,Evans.A man after my own heart.My soul brother.")(RAB:EXOM???),JP还这么说,多少有那么点儿……嗯,反正我觉得有点不能接受。

于是就需要再上一次这张图:


还有后面。LE打算跟SB和解,去找他谈了谈,然后跟JP说我跟SB做朋友了。

JP的反应如下:

"Just answer something for me," James said, which seemed a bit unfair, answering my question with a question, but I nodded anyway, curious if equally uneasy. His voice got strangely quiet, his gaze bright. "You find out my best mate has a shite opinion of you, right?" he started, telling more than he was asking. "Not exactly flattering—Sirius never is—and you've every right to hate him for it. But instead of offing him like we both know you've grounds to do…you try to reason with him. Reason with that stubborn, bitter arse. Try to be mates with him even!" He paused, tilting his head slightly to the side as he regarded me with what I can only call a warmly arrogant smile. "For me?"

我知道你在哄姑娘,我也知道SB对LE一开始是有误解……但是朋友,你基友为什么对她有误解?还不是为了你嚒= =他有误解那会儿LE也确实在你和Amos之间犹豫不决啊,也的确做了很多虐你虐得半死不活的事情,SB去哄你你还往他头上砸鬼飞球(……),结果你哄姑娘的时候就这么说你基友?啊??

这时候就需要再上一次这个图冷静一下:


算了其实我知道我们SB粉没资格嫌弃JP。人JP收留了我家无家可归的Padfoot,让他当伴郎,还让自个儿儿子给他当教子。

好了JP随便你说什么吧我不气了。


然后就是LE。

这文里面LE挺可爱的,我说真的。

除了最后她和JPSB的三角关系里。

其实总的来说也没有太大的问题啦,不过我就是觉得,姑娘你一边指责SB插手你和JP的恋爱,一边插手他和JP的友情,是不是略有些双重标准=。=

这时候就……


总之我感觉这个作者很擅长写爱情,但是着实不太擅长写友情……

想看友情我还是滚去看uu吧……

(顺手安利女神lof:Promises Honored


不过这些其实都是很小的缺点,这个文萌点真的超多。里面的LE聪明善良又古灵精怪,比中文同人里很多刻板无趣的LE生动多了。我想LE本来也应该是这样的形象,否则怎么能吸引亲世代那么多男生暗恋对吧~~~~

上几个片段吧:

"We know," Emma started, pursing her lips, before continuing, "about you and James."

Me and...James?

What?

"You know what?" I asked, the possibilities endless. What could they know? Did they know about the bet? Did they know about the fight? Did they know about me wanting to be his mate? Did they know about me saving Elisabeth's arse for him last night? Did they know he thought I was brilliant—or at least, brilliant enough to deserve a kiss?

As it turned out, they didn't know any of that.

What they did know, apparently, was this:

"We know you and James are dating."

"WHAT?"


Dear Mr. James Potter,

I have it on good authority that you are currently in possession of one, Miss Lily Evans's, fine and informative Potions textbook. As Miss Evans's leading counsel, I have been commissioned to tell you that if you return the textbook to its rightful owner immediately, there will be no charges brought up against you. If you, however, choose to ignore this request, a suit against you and your estate for the sum of forty-four and a half billion galleons will be filed just as soon as it is able.

Thank you for your time and patience and I beg of you to consider your options and come to a decision quickly.

Yours Solicited,
Mr. Harold John William Whittinghamm-Strathimore III

P.S.— Give me back my textbook, Potter. You're such a thief. -L



Dear Mr. Harold John William Whittinghamm-Strathimore III,

Good day to you, sir, and I bid you thanks for your gracious letter. It is indeed true that I am currently in possession of one, Miss Lily Evans's, fine and informative textbook, but I find it difficult to comply with the wishes listed in your previous dictate. You see, Miss Evans's textbook is of a special variety. She tends to write very useful bits of information along the margins of the pages that are presently helping me in answering the questions assigned to me by one, Professor Abbott, and I'm afraid that as such, I am reluctant to give up such a treasure. As I'm sure she Miss Evans has already noticed, I cleverly stashed my own textbook in her bag, which she can use to her pleasure until I am able to return hers to her.

I thank you for your time and patience and ask you to kindly inform Miss Evans that I do not, under any circumstance, possess the sum of forty-four and a half billion galleons, anyway, and ask for what transgressions of mine does such an astounding sum seem a plausible compensation for.

Awaiting Your Response,
Mr. James Thomas Potter, Esquire

P.S.— I am as good and honest as the day I was born. And don't you feed your owl, woman? The bird practically snapped my finger off in her haste to get to the treat. -J


……………………(中间很长掠过)

Harry/Lily,

Always.

I hate to sound condescending, but if you'd look on page 387, you will see it is, indeed, runespoor eggs.

You don't need any more drugs. You're loopy enough as it is.
-J

P.S.— That's all I ever wanted to hear, Lily. My life, you see, is now pretty much complete. -J


J-

See you at the meeting.

-L

哈利你知道你的名字怎么产生的了嚒哈哈哈哈哈


"I think you will happy to hear," she announced flatly, "that James was not napping in the back of the classroom yesterday."

...Happy.

You know, not quite the word I would have used.

"Well, if he wasn't napping," I said through clenched teeth, "where exactly was he?"
It took a few seconds for Grace to answer. I watched as she scratched idly at the back of her head, her face scrunched up into a half-wince.

"Well, you know," she finally answered, though I didn't know. "He was...er...he was doing much like everyone else. Yelling."

"Yelling?"

"Yeah, a bit."

Why is it that I didn't believe that for even a second?

"How much is 'a bit', exactly?" I asked, my eyes narrowing. "Like, on a scale of one to ten?"

Grace grimaced.

"Er..." She seemed to be thinking about it. "It's...he was...er...twelve?"

...

Twelve.

TWELVE?!

"Grace!" I shouted, dropping my head into my hands. "Twelve?"

"I'm sorry!" she apologised quickly, wincing again, her voice heavy. She was a flurry of movements as she turned to face me, looking rather desperate. "I would've told you before, but then Emma was all, 'She's going to be scrambled enough' and then you had detention and then you came back and were going cold turkey or whatnot...I was waiting for a good moment!"

"What exactly did he do?" I asked, already dreading the answer. My mouth suddenly felt dry, like sandpaper. "What exactly does yelling at twelve mean?"

"Not...not too bad," Grace insisted, sounding very matter-of-fact about it all, even as I was practically on the verge of bloody tears. "I mean, after you fell and Sirius was yelling and Abbott was yelling and...James was concerned—we were all concerned, but James was a bit more than the average folk, I suppose—Everyone was crowding around you and he wanted to see what was going on so he...well, I guess he sort of catapulted over a couple of desks, actually—"

"CATAPULTED?"

"More or less—you were far away, Lil! He was just trying to get to you!—but anyway, after, you know, the catapulting, he sort of shoved everyone out of the way and was kind of...propping you up while Abbott was making sure the burn wasn't spreading. Everyone else was yelling at each other and making a fuss, but he was really only yelling at you—trying to get you up and everything. He was...upset."

Oh, god.

"How upset?" I whispered hoarsely.

"Er." Grace scratched behind her ear. "Are we doing one to ten again?"

Oh, for Merlin's sake.

"Sure," I muttered. "Fine. Sure. One to ten."

Grace nodded. "All right, then." She paused for a moment, seeming to be thinking about it again. Then, "Forty-five."

"FORTY-FIVE?!"

"You were unconscious!" Grace cried, throwing up her hands in defense as if she thought I'd do her physical harm (not a bad idea, actually). "You were on the ground bleeding, for Merlin's sake! You had just been burned by spreading acid! Of course, the bloke blew his fuse. He wouldn't even leave your bloody side—he carried you all the way to the Hospital Wing! He wouldn't even leave until we threatened to do him bodily harm. We figured he was one more thing you really didn't need just then."

Oh my God.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, fuck.

!

大概差不多了~~~~


以下是废话。

zqsg预警

预警

预警

预警

……………………

……………………

……………………


我总说不管是亲世代还是詹莉的文即使坑了也不能算坑,因为其实结局大家已经都知道了。

有时候我看着这篇文,其实很不愿意想到结局。

我实在不能想象,不远的未来,詹姆冲出门厅,紧张地大喊“Lily,take Harry go!It's him!Go!”;

莉莉张开手臂挡在摇篮前,恳求伏地魔“Have mercy…have mercy…Not Harry!Not Harry!Please——I'll do anything——”;

小天狼星站在血迹斑斑的长袍和一根手指前,面对来抓捕他的傲罗,放声大笑;

莱姆斯在要度过无数孤独的月圆之夜,他的两个好友被杀害,一个好友成了叛徒。


实在无法想象。


所以还是看看同人吧。

That's my James.

That's my Lily.

That's my Remus.

That's my Sirius.


All as well.


PS:这是2017.9.1,我开始计划看那篇著名的The Life and Times了,祝我好运……

十九年后这么快就到了耶。


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  1. 七月夏天清朗然 转载了此文字
    作为一个全程围观某人跳坑的人,实在想说几句无关的闲话😂(原谅我转发你的读书笔记,却说杂七杂八的)简...
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